I've lost more jobs than I can remember. Sometimes my GPS kicks in when I drive around town and see the various and sundry locations where I've worked. GPS ... my Guilt Projection Syndrome.Instead of chalking all these jobs up as experience, though, I've come to attach a strange sense of failure to them.
To be fair, most of the jobs I lost had little or nothing to do with me. At one place, I requested a transfer to a different location. When the company had found a replacement for my job - the spot in the new location became unavailable when the person I was supposed to replace, suddenly decided not to leave. And I couldn't get the original job back. Another business where I worked, the company went bankrupt, and everyone (not just me) lost their jobs. Oh, and my personal favorite: a restaurant hired me as a cook but the chef refused to let me sign W2 forms or tell me definitively what my pay would be. After several days of working and asking for these simple things, I called the business office and asked them. Then got a call from the chef telling me that "it just wasn't going to work out." These things happen; but to me, it's been a long process of floundering around trying to find the right fit.
I'm working in another food industry job now. It's hard work, but as I love to feed people, just being a part of the process is pretty satisfying. I have to say that professional kitchen equipment fascinates me. At work there's a giant oven which not only bakes but which can also be set to steam food. Pretty cool. We have shrink-wrap machines, and a blast chiller, and industrial-size deep fryers. The deep fryers are in hot demand; cooks from different sections of the kitchen use them throughout the day. I use them as well. But I have a mortal fear of the oil splashing up and burning me. Yes, it has happened, but no, nothing dramatic.
Yet I persist in having a fear of frying. I think much of my attitude spins off this fear. Am I good enough? Will I ever be comfortable enough in my own skin that I know I belong, that I excel, that I make a difference?
Sometimes I wonder about the places I've worked in, wondered about things I might have done differently. But when I really think about it, I know that circumstances don't define who I am as a person. Losing a job for whatever reason should not knock me out. Things happen. To everyone. But if I hang on to the fear, to the bad memories surrounding an incident (like loss of a job, or an issue I may have while working) it only adds insult to injury. Who needs that? I have enough going on in my daily life that I don't need to be dragging around extra baggage from my past.
I think fear holds many of us back. It can be multi-tentacled, reaching into our hearts and minds to choke us. Fear can also deceive and distract us; it gets us off track from the important things in our lives and prevents us from moving forward. So why do we allow it? Allow all the hand-wringing, all the heart-wrenching fear? Even as a Christian I wrestle with this issue. How can I say that I trust God, yet let fear have such a stronghold on my heart?
God does not want us to have a spirit of fear. He tells us not to shrink from the work he has set us to do. "For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." - 2 Timothy 1:7
If I only focus on what I think I can do - or worse, focus on what I think I can't - there is no way I will ever succeed at anything. I realize that I am at my most fearful when I rely only on myself. If I say that I trust in God, I need to make a conscious effort to hand over control ... which includes the fears I have. But when I do that, God never throws it in my face. He takes my fear and replaces it, gently, with peace. It's a peace that passes all understanding. I should know: I've tried to muscle through it intellectually. But the point of faith is not knowing. It is believing. And if I truly believe in God, believe that He has good plans for my life, then I need to relinquish the things that keep my faith from thriving.
There was only one perfect person who ever walked this earth. I know that He doesn't expect the same perfect performance from me. God will be with me wherever I go and support me through all my trials. Shying away from life because of fear is not an option. The point is to make the effort to keep moving forward. And because I choose to rely on God for my strength and not merely on myself, I know that my best is good enough.
So now I can finally dismantle that old GPS of mine. I trust God in the driver's seat of my life. And you know what? The road ahead looks pretty promising.
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
