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A chocolate
fountain, finding itself in good humor from the previous catastrophe, will
gladly repeat the offense a second time during the party, this time waiting
just until the hostess comes to the table to get some food before it breaks
loose and sprays all over the place. When this happens, it is perfectly
acceptable to just walk away from the mess, change into a clean shirt, and sit
down with an adult beverage to enjoy the rest of the party. The dogs will help
with the cleanup, anyway.
On Christmas Cookies:
No matter how much time and effort you put into creating home-made
morsels of love, the kids will prefer
the store-bought versions of cookies they are used to. They will even ignore
the lovely goodies sitting right on the kitchen table and actually scale
several shelves up into the pantry to reach the shiny commercialized packages.
Christmas
cookies left on the counter will also be ignored by one’s husband, who prefers
salty snacks anyway. The choice is then whether the cookies will go to waste,
or to waist. Vigorously perusing the ads for sales on elliptical machines,
treadmills and exercise bikes in the newspaper while eating cookies will
increase your heart rate but will not reduce caloric intake.
On In-Laws:
No matter how much time and effort you spend cleaning your house and
slaving over a hot stove, the in-grates (or is it out-laws?) will consume every
morsel you prepare, not lift a finger to help clean up, and demand the very
dessert they brought with them as a gift. Plus they will completely ignore you
throughout the evening, never say thank you for the meal or your efforts, and
when they leave they will comment that their own cooking is better. Not to
mention that they never bothered to call to confirm they were coming over until
your husband finally contacted them the day of the dinner, and when they did
come, they brought extra uninvited guests with them. (True story.)
On Christmas Gifts:
Toy manufacturers do not actually want children playing with their toys.
What with all the twist-ties, plastic restraints, and industrial-strength tape
in toy packaging, parents need a degree in engineering to remove said toy from
said package. Hours later, when the toys are finally freed and assembled, the
children will prefer to play with the twist-ties and boxes. Neatness
does not count with gifts for kids. Children don’t pause thoughtfully on
Christmas morning to admire how carefully the packages are wrapped. It’s what’s
under the wrap that matters. Providing that the parents can get the toys out of
the packages for their children after all that neat wrapping paper has been
ripped to shreds.
On Stockings: it is unnecessary to wrap every
little item that goes into the stockings. Not only is it frustrating and
time-consuming, it just delays the whole process. Also: even if it’s been a
family tradition for generations, putting a fruit in the toe of a Christmas
stocking will only prompt an annoyed roll of the eyes. But it’s worth it just
to see the irritated look on the children’s faces when they pull out an apple
as their final stocking gift.
Giving a
‘bean box’ (a large container filled with dried beans, scoops, funnels and
measuring cups) to a two year old with
no history of throwing things, virtually guarantees that the two year old will
suddenly discover a deeply repressed need to fling handfuls of dried beans all
over the carpet, at the dog, her sibling, her parents, and into the heater
vents.
And
finally, whoever it was that came up with the saying, “It is better to give
than to receive” never had days’ worth of picking up and cleaning to do after
the whole gift-giving fiasco was over.
