Nemesis

There are days I wonder why I ever wanted to have kids. Now that one of our girls is a teenager, those days are more frequent. Yes, we have a teenage daughter. Did I hear a sigh of sympathy? Thanks. I needed that.

I don’t know what’s worse… having an only child that whines and begs for a sibling, or having a child who has received the long-awaited sibling and then regrets their request. Because once the new baby has grown old enough to get into her stuff … copy her… and show signs of being smarter than her… all bets of sisterly love are off.

People ask us all the time why we waited six years to have another child. Simple answer: just meet the first kid. Intense. Dramatic. Spirited. And that's on a good day. So we waited, and prayed, and when we thought we could handle another child (hoping that the new one would be... well, less like the first) decided to give the first one her wish of a sibling. She got her wish, and so did we. Different kids, as unique as the fingerprints on their sticky little hands. Now, different works well for some things, like tastes in style and food. It's nice to have a little variety. But when it comes to personality differences in siblings ... not so much. My two girls often clash like rams, locked head to head in mortal combat.

I spend a lot of time prying the two stubborn sisters apart, hearing both sides of the story, counseling and consoling, yet making little headway. Time lost defusing the endless enmity of everyday life.

Individually, both are bright, beautiful and loving. Each girl has her own wonderfully unique talents, temperament and eccentricities. And of course we adore both our girls. But to each other, they are as opposite as they could be. Diametrically opposed. Sister against sister. If they ever formed a singing group, they would be Nemesis.

Sibling rivalry is nothing new under the sun. I know this. But dealing with it is one of the most difficult things you ever have to do as a parent. It’s a never ending struggle, and if you favor one child over the other, you won’t hear the end of it. If you show equality to both (or all, depending on your household) you also can’t win … because children are self-centered creatures. They are a world unto themselves, revolving around their own bright little stars.

So when my girls go at it and the usual threats don’t work, I head for my parenting manuals. In these kinds of situations, the bigger books are better, because they make more of an impact when you chuck them at the kids. Paperbacks are okay, but if you really want to get your kids to stop arguing, hard-cover books are best for the kind of impression you need to break up a fight. Then I enjoy the 180 in attitude as their anger is diverted off of each other. Mission accomplished on two fronts: the fighting is over, and the two are back on one side - them against me. Let them sulk, I care not. I just want peace and quiet.

There are times when the two get along … brief, shining moments when they play and sing and work together famously. When they put their lovely little heads together in peace and not in battle. Times like those… well, of course I like to take all the credit for that as a parent (since it’s not in their nature to get along!) and I wish it could be like that always. Because as they grow older, they will need each other, need those qualities that the other has, that they aren’t as strong in. Need the bond of sisterhood, the connection of family. Life is unpredictable. If you spend your time on earth in angst and anger, there is much to regret later.

So I’ll keep on encouraging my girls to get along. I know they will catch on sooner or later. And when it does happen - and it will - it will be a sweet thing to see.